Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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