Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
