Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
