Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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