I haven't been this sober since birth.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
