Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
