I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
