I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
