Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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