Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
