I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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