Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Pants are for mortals
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
