I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
