she woke up with a sticky ear
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
