if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just blew my weed a kiss
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
