Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
