I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
