...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I have post one night stand depression
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