Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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