why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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