I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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