and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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