I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
