I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
