Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
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I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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