remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
