Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
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My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
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Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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