I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
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