i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Randomize
