Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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