You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
