It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize
