I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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