if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
