apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
