Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Someone came in the potted fern
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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