you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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