I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
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I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
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I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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