So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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