please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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