I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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