For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
