i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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