its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
