No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
