well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
