I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
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