Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
