Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
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I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
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Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
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