Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
