I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
