I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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