I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Oh god it's open bar.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
