Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
