My sheets look like a crime scene.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
