god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
