I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
